Long Forgotten

I found myself back on my very own site, as I browse thru the remaining few blogs that I even bother reading these days. I read through some posts, and laughed at the way my life had turned out so far.

I wanted to delete all my archives, but do i really wanna forgo these memories? be it good or bad, they were once mine. all the happenings, felt so surreal, yet it doesnt seem real. how did my life get so screwed in the past?

I believe I’m much stronger now, and will continue for the rest of my journey. welcome back into my litte space, to those who are still ever reading this space of mine.

hmm… I’m reborn.

i’ve nv gotten down to watching “P.S. I love you” ever since adam’s death.
its been a good 1.5 years.

i finally did so today.
and i read thru adam’s last letter afterwhich.
the pain still felt so raw.
but today was the only time i could control my tears after reading thru the entire 4 pages which adam penned for the very last time.

how did time pass by so fast…..?

Disappointment…

…is being raised up high and dropped free fall?

did it get built up with expectations, i asked myself. till i concluded, it must have been because i assumed too much, and always tot best of the situation and ppl, only to find myself plunged down from that height.

i’m beginning to wonder, if being simple and easily contented are positive or negative traits. perhaps when i’m hurting, i’m thinking its all not good at all.

but deep down i know, this is me and i love myself.

the only thing i hate bout myself, is believing whatever ppl said too readily.

its enough. no more such thing is gonnna happen to me. for the rest of the year at least!

*~

exams coming up pretty soon, and i’m quite into the mugger mood. its afterall my 2nd last sem before i graduate and finally freed from studying for the time being.

oh, and on a happier note, i’m so happy coz i’m going hk like finally with rongz in april! yay!

Spring cleaning….

… is tiring!

its giving me a headache and making me perspire that i decided, i need a break.
i beuno-ed. -happie-
looking at the mountain of stuff i’m throwing, i think i’m almost qualified to be the garang guni’s disciple!
came across an old diary…and reading it, brings back so many memories.
i smiled at my childish and immature thinking, and decided this is the last time i ever wanna open up these memories again.
i tore the pages away, tore the pages up.
i’m proud of myself, becoz i’ve left a huge part of me behind.

oh man, i better continue cleaning if i wanna sleep tonight.
next week, i shall pack my shoes!
-looks at the mountain of shoes-
heh, mommie’s nagging!

4 months later, i still miss you.

*

4 years later, i finally let him go.

*

results released last mon.
as expected, didnt manage to clear the horrendous P6-Advanced Taxations(yucks!).
clearing P3-Biz Analysis came as a big surprise.
considering skipping a couple of lessons, no revisions until 3 days before the exam, and picking topics to study; scoring 63 for this core paper is a wow and a huge booster to my morale to complete the remaining 4 papers before i officially wear my harry porter suit at Raffles convention. -smiles-
i can see that scene not far from now. -jia you!-

on the other hand, boss has been super supporting, telling me she believes i could do it and i should sit for ALL 4 papers this sem.
wow, another morale booster, but no, not gonna tire myself out this way.
i remember the anxiety…i cant do proper planning for nuts.
so, gonna stick to 3 and clear the final paper next sem.

i’ve officially been working at current company for almost 2.5yrs.
i’m thankful that amidst the hectic workload and all the OT, i’ve been able to clear alot of papers ever since i joined.
must be the “feng shui”. haha…what to do, i’m chinese afterall!

its raining heavily outside.
i’m recuperating from my stomach flu.
made a trip to the supermarket with $70 vouchers in hand.
swept tibits, chocs, biscuits, and -drumroll- bens and jerrys(2 tubs!) off their shelves.
kids were looking at me with envy.
parents stared at me in disbelief.
i need chocs, so nothing else matters.
all that cost me 73 buckaroos.
but i’m happy.

then, i went off to grab some shampoo and conditioner.
u nv know the amount u spend on such basic necessities till u are the one paying.
it set me another 40 bucks poorer.
and i’m glad i’m not yet married or living alone to buy all these, myself.

*

why should i stay, when i’m not appreciated?
i need no roller coaster ride.
i just want the security.

*

indeed, it feels much more blissful to be loved.

i’m so much braver when it comes to cockroaches.
-pats chest-
damn lizards.

sighs.
3rd Qtr of 2009.
this year was nothing, but full of troubles.
if i have the flair, i could possibly write them into a book series.
so, lets just count down to xmas together to bring a close to the year.
looking forward.

meeting up with Q consecutively twice is gradually recovering my laughter. She is so insane, the things she says just makes me reel in laughter.

Like how we joked and said she sleeps around, to that she replied “yes, i admit” with an innocent face.

Right crap.

but hey! Tats one of my bestie. -giggles-

today over dinner….

Q: hey u have eyeliner on!
me: er…yah…u meant u just noticed?!
Q: yah!
me: prettier?!
Q: -thinks hard- well, i can now see ur eyes more defined!

she’s a great friend…really….

while waiting for the train….
“you look like lolita! With ur pink painted nails and black stockings and black dress”

er…is that a good or bad thing i wonder. heh.

June and belle, meet up soon k?! Misses!!!

some memories are painful…
but its even more painful to try to erase them.

Hi Darling,

I’m listening to “halo” now, the song which reminds me so much of you. I once walked into a shop which was playing this song. That was towards the end of our time together, and listening to it just made me stop and listen to it. It just seemed to light up my something in me and reminded me of our sad moments. But still, I smiled to myself, knowing because its you…

I woke up today, feeling weird and unsettled. It’s quite spooky, as Ashton mentioned. An hour after I woke up, I got your letter from him. I am surprised that you actually left me something after you’re gone. I just didn’t realize that you could love me this much.

I don’t know if its becoz of the fact that you are no longer around, or becoz the heart is really feeling so…I miss you a lot. Certain things could just trigger your name in my head. You know, I was requesting for a password change from US, and they actually got back to me, and the password assigned to me was sunshine? I was momentarily shocked, becoz you came into my mind again, and becoz I know you would say, that’s becoz you are my PRIANSHINE!

I miss you, greeting me good morning!!!
I miss you, getting angry at me for replying and calling you uncle Adam.
I miss you, telling me how u are irritating boey at work.
I miss you, whining bout how boey is telling u to not disturb and count ants by the corner.
I miss you, telling me you miss me and asking whether I miss you too.
I miss you, trying to hint that you are my knight with your shiny sword because I’m the princess.
I miss you, for being able to sense when I am feeling down and offering your comfort in your uncle ways, not probing when you knew I wasn’t ready to speak.
I miss you, sharing stories of Jowie and Jolene with me.
I miss you, asking whether you could have all of my attention now.
I miss you, calling me your baby.
I miss you, for being able to make my heart beat faster just seeing your name.
I miss you, I miss your presence, I miss your love, I miss your protection, I miss being yours exclusively, I miss the short time we had together.

There are a lot of things, which I didn’t have the chance to tell you.

You were the reason, you gave me the courage, to guide me and walk out of the previous relationship. I badly wanted to, and you came along to offer your support. You said, you didn’t mind being the substitute or spare tyre, you just want to be the buoy to save the sinking ship. Trust me; I didn’t take you for that.

I love you, for you were able to touch my heart and made me feel loved again. I wanted to be with you, and I was imagining, how nice my life would be with you, someone who was putting me above himself. The beautiful portrait you wanted to paint with me, the promises you made, I know you won’t be able to fulfill. But I know you couldn’t help it…much as you wanted….

You owe me many “I love you” now though… 

You made many assumptions bout me, including how I would never truly love you. It’s not fair! I love you when you found your way into my heart. But you weren’t patient enough to stay around before you decided to take matters in your hands. I was probably at fault too, for being indecisive and wavering.

I didn’t lose the magical feeling I had towards you. You are special in your own Adam Chung ways…Believe me, you would be forever in my heart. I’m blessed to have you loving me so deeply. Perhaps, as what you said, our paths crossed too late.

I cried as I read your letter, baby, were you crying too when you were writing it? The thought that it’s the very final letter; it’s the only bit you could do for me now. It hurts so badly, to read how painful it is for you physically. How every day you feel more detached from your body. How you feel like closing your eyes and sleeping forever. How you told me, you believe you would join your baby girl soon.

I’m so ashamed of myself, that I didn’t make it to see you. He might have stopped me, but I could have insisted and went ahead didn’t I? Forgive me Adam, I wasn’t strong and firm enough to do so. I don’t blame anyone else but myself.

So please, do not beg for my forgiveness.

I don’t even blame you. I seriously don’t. I didn’t give you enough of my love and attention. I wasn’t patient enough towards you. I didn’t consider bout how you would really feel deep within.

I was stuck with this impression that you didn’t love me, becoz you admitted you saw me as a prize to be won. It hurts so badly at that time, I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that you really love me, when you said so after which. Until the remaining days of your life, I truly understand. I don’t think a dying person would lie anymore. But it’s all too late.

When Ashton informed us that you were no longer around with us, I felt so hollow, so empty. A part of me was relieved, that you are freed of your pain. But it was still too much to bear, knowing that you are really no longer around, you would soon be lying in a coffin, cold and lifeless.

I’m sorry baby. I promised to be strong and not cry. But I can’t fulfill my promise. Maybe it’s my punishment to have hurt you so deeply, that I have to cry for you so much.

I miss you…but I can’t wave my angel wand to have you back anymore…I probably don’t deserve your love for stepping into your life and hurting you too…I feel so terrible, I just yearn for a comforting hug from you.

I’ll be missing you forever.
Deep inside my heart you’ll leave me never.

I’ll take good care. I’ll smile and shine for you. I’ll stop and embrace the sudden gush of wind; becoz I know, my angel is here again to tell me he loves me.

Your Prianshine

[ash, i dunno if you would check back here again. i actually wrote this, and planned to send it back to you. but somehow i stopped, i dunno why. it was too painful to continue writting, i had to stop at this.]

Dear Adam,

its been almost a month. how’s it going for you in heaven? are u watching over us, like you promised you would?

i still start my day, opening up my mail box, hoping to see an email from you…i miss the joy of seeing your name, i’m beginning to slowly forget how it feels like…

its funny how things turn out. with ur demise, ashton seems closer to us all. secretly i hope, as ashton shares with us his joy of being a newly promoted daddy, u are around with us, to bask in his bliss and to make up for the lost time for u brothers. or just how he shares anything with us, u are able to know, to offer ur ideas and suggestions.

everybody misses you lots.

during the first week after u left, u not only left behind tears, u took a piece of everyone who love you away. reading ashton’s email, i could sense so much pain and sadness in his words…i just couldnt stop crying while reading. the tears wouldnt stop even as i replied him….i miss you sweetheart.

when ashton asked, do i want to submit a paragraph bout you during your service, i was tearing as i penned down every word. it brought back so much memories of you, its just so painful to finish my piece. i may not be the best writer, but the words came from the bottom of my heart.

of course, there’s little jowie. the things she said, are so simple yet it touched me so much. i’m amazed by her intelligence, being a mere 4 yr-old. she misses you so greatly, she asked me, could i ask you to come back. she is feeling so lonely…she feels so abandoned and unloved.

oh, jowie is taking over your job. she emails me after school ends. she’s such a lovable kid, its hard not to love her. she told me:

Daddy told me alot of things about you.
You really make daddy happy.

Daddy said he wants to marry you and ask me if you can be my mummy.
I said can. Because you make daddy smile more.

you are just like a kid, can be like a friend to me.
you love kids. he smile when he talk about you.

suddenly, i remember ashton asking me, could we just turn back time….i seriously wish we could.

jowie calls me mommie. i guess you must have been singing alot of praises of me in front of her. its quite a joy to hear her call me tat, really. i just hope shano doesnt mind.

adam, please watch over ur brave little girl. rest well, we love you, and you will still be always in our hearts.

your prianshine